Most managers I know are conflict avoiders, hell – even most companies I know are focused on having as little conflict as possible. Why is that? And more – should we not consider a different way of looking at conflict?
Today most conflicts go like this:
- Step 1: someone is annoyed, irritated, frustrated with someone else, it might even be reciprocated. They are not talking about it with each other, but they sure are sharing it with their friends. These friends are nice people, who don’t want to hurt anyone, so they buy into the story and strengthen it with their support. This only increases the negative feelings and one-sided perceptions.
- Step 2: the issue is still in the air, but not on the table, and the people involved are actively starting to avoid each other. Tension starts really building up.
- Step 3: a well-meaning manager notices and decides to take matters in hand. He meets with the different parties separately – and guess who ends up with all the monkeys on his shoulders?
- Step 4: there is a compromise solution, that doesn’t meet anyone’s needs really. Things go back to almost normal. No lessons were learned – and the risk of this being repeated has increased.
In an ideal world, it could look something like this:
- Step 1:
- when you are annoyed, irritated, frustrated with someone – you talk to them. You also take ownership and responsibility for your part in the conflict (because – whether you want to believe it or not – there is always a part that is yours, just look for it) or:
- the friend that you confide in is a good friend, and they encourage you to address the conflict directly.
- Step 2: even if you missed step 1, you can always go back. When you start noticing that the relationship is suffering from the unspoken conflict: have the conversation. Say what is on your mind and in your heart, let them know what has hurt you or why you are upset. You would be surprised what you can learn from it.
- Step 3: if things are escalating anyway, the well-meaning manager decides to put everyone involved around the table, so they can talk with each other. He facilitates the discussion and leaves the monkeys with their rightful owners.
- Step 4: there is a real solution, that addresses the real issue(s) and is the common creation of the people who were suffering from it in the first place. They’ve solved this conflict themselves, and now know how to deal with other conflicts in the future themselves.
Sounds easy – so why is it so difficult for us to do?
Most people are afraid of negative feelings, especially in the workplace. We are all supposed to be rational, professional beings, 100% of time. Right? The annoying thing though, is that the more you try to push something away, the more it will insist on being there. Feelings, in all forms, are simply part of being human. They are important signs that show you what you need to put your attention on. Those feelings that make you uncomfortable are not bad, they are just telling you that something is not going right for you. Don’t run away from them, but examine them, be curious what they are trying to say to you.
And bring the people together, however uncomfortable it may seem:
- People want to be heard more than they want to be right: so ensure that each of the people involved gets the chance to fully tell their story, while the others simply listen. Being able to tell your side of the story is a crucial step. And it helps to understand the other perspectives, rather than making assumptions about them.
- Conflict is actually a creative process: when people can voice their conflicting views, often a new and richer perspective can emerge. When we avoid conflict, we maintain the status quo, and create an additional source of stress.
- You don’t want all those monkeys on your shoulders: not addressing emotions (yours or others) is guaranteed to bring you more monkeys – it’s your choice.
- It increases your credibility as a leader: instead of stepping into the conflict, you are stepping out to help others to deal with it. You are no longer a fire fighter, but a coach to your team.
Embrace creative conflict, it might even help you to bring you and your team to the next level.
Nilah Nilah 