I was a playful and headstrong child – I knew exactly what I wanted, and what I didn’t want – and probably drove my parents up the walls in the process. I remember an explosive discussion at age 3 over an orange dress that I absolutely wanted to wear – even if my mom felt it didn’t suit the weather or the season. There was shouting, doors slamming, and a long and ominous silence following the discussion – all because someone didn’t agree on my choice of outfit that day. Maybe not my earliest memory – but I can still see that orange dress… I also remember a disastrous trip to a shoe store, where the shoes I had fallen in love with didn’t come in my size – and nothing else would do. Stubborn – and a fashion addict avant-la-lettre.
Fast-forward to my black period. Where the new black was – simply black. And no, I’m not thinking about any gothic or new wave affiliations, but the dress color that saw me through most of my 20s and 30s. Black. I probably thought at the time that it was just my style, it was simple, elegant, timeless, and easy to mix and match with – other black items. But looking back it was really my invisibility cloak. It wasn’t so much a conscious strategy, as something I ended up wearing, all the time. And the anonymity it gave me felt really safe.
Somewhere along the line I had lost the natural confidence of the orange dress little girl that I had been. I’d learned to adapt and fit in, to find out what others wanted. I’d grown up and away from myself. I had become invisible to myself and the world, afraid of being seen. I’m an introvert by design, but I started cultivating it even more. Even though below that invisible surface, part of me yearned to be seen, to step out from under my cloak, the perceived safety won.
Until it didn’t. Somewhere along my journey of self-re-discovery, through trainings, coachings, books and profound discussions, I found myself, and my love for color again. Black started being combined with a splash of color, and then some more. Now there is hardly any black left in my wardrobe. And I have stepped out of the anonymity and invisibility that I cherished for so long – and into setting up my own business.
It didn’t happen overnight, it was a gradual process. One self-discovery at a time, one color splash at a time. But I have found that little girl in the orange dress back inside – and she is helping me build my colorful life, home and business – and filling up my wardrobe accordingly. I’ve reconnected with myself, my inner child and a rainbow of colors. And for today: my new black is yellow.
Nilah Nilah 